By Simon Kidd
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Due to the misalignment of Uranus, you will rapidly contract food poisoning from the cafeteria poutine. The stars advise you to hydrate during this difficult time.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
It does not matter what your parents say, or how hard you work; you will never make it into McGill pre-med. The stars say that you should strive for a more realistic goal. Maybe Concordia is the better place for you.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Today will be the day you finally decide to organize, work efficiently, and pull yourself out of the academic mire that you have unsuccessfully traversed. Or not–Netflix is great too. The stars believe that their latter prediction has a higher likelihood of occurring.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
Beware of Anthony Crotch, for he will sacrifice your unborn child to the cult of the Conservative party. The stars recommend sprinkling salt on your windowsill for protection.
Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)
A great bounty awaits you in your near-distant but still far and yet close future! Invest in Crisputlery™, the best upside down triangle multi-level marketing scheme in existence! [sic]. Only $500 for a starter entrepreneur kit! The stars approve, and so do the first year Commerce students.
Virgo (Aug 24 – sept 23)
Fortune favors the bold. Tell someone that you like them today! Don’t let your dreams be dreams… Let reality do the work for you and turn them into nightmares.
Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You will find a pot of gold under a pink bicycle discarded by a crack dealer. Don’t spend it all in one place!
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Exercise caution while turning on the shower tonight–the stars predict that there is a 27.38% chance that your water will transform into a writhing mass of poisonous snakes and glitter. Why glitter? You won’t have time to worry about that while fighting off the poisonous snakes.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Be wary of your guardians tonight, for they shall come into your room and start ranting about your life choices and academic failures for at least twenty minutes. After whatever modicum of self esteem you once had has been torn to shreds, they will leave–but keep the door open.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Today is a truly auspicious day! Due to a freak ecstasy-in-frosted-flakes accident, there will be much more pep in your step. The stars recommend gum, because you’re going to be chewing a lot for no reason today.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Halfway through an utterly useless complementary class, your jaded professor will lock eyes with you and silently acknowledge how horribly pointless existence is for both teacher and student. It makes things awkward. The stars predict that you will browse Facebook for the rest of the class.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
There is a great evil within all of us. When the day arrives, the stars advise you to remember that only by obtaining world peace can the human race survive. So…Good luck with that, sport. On another, unrelated note, you will be eaten by flying fish on a full moon.