Caught in a Western Sieve: Rigged Elections

By Benjamin Rudski 

On November 8, Donald Trump shocked the world. I was up late watching CNN, anxiously awaiting the election results. Like many, I was speechless as Trump won state after state after state. Since the election, there have been numerous protests against the President-elect. But, I don’t think that we should panic. I’ve managed to find a few positives about Trump’s election win.

Firstly, there’s the famous (or infamous) southern border wall. Just think about the opportunities that this wall will present. It will stimulate the American construction industry, as someone has to do the building. It will also spark a global construction craze. The Chinese will feel threatened by the Great Border Wall, and might begin expanding theirs. Then Scotland might reinforce Hadrian’s Wall. We could very well have a wall craze on our hands! Forget tearing down the wall! Walls will be a sign of status. If the US has one, then it must be the hot new thing. The wall will also lead to technological innovation in Mexico. I don’t think that the drug lords that Trump claims to be trying to stop will give up just because of a little wall. The Mexican drone industry will answer to the demands. As for the immigrants, maybe they will begin boring tunnels or building bridges over the wall. The possibilities are endless and so is the demand for cheap labour! Good job stimulating the economy, Mr. President-elect!

Next, there’s the Brexit effect. More than two centuries after leaving the British Empire, the United States is finally returning to its roots. Trump continuously compared the flawed projections to the polling disaster with Brexit.  Despite what the predictions suggested, Britain choose protectionism and isolation, and America just had to follow suit. Well, it’s about time that the British returned to dictating global order. And somewhere, George III must be laughing. On Election Night, American visitors crashed Canada’s immigration website. Reuters reported that many Americans have also taken an interest in New Zealand. After rebelling, the Americans are finally coming home to realize that the tyranny of monarchy is more tolerable than that of the republic. They’re coming back to the Commonwealth. The rebellious subjects are finally returning. And we didn’t even have to burn down the White House this time!

On the foreign policy front, we won’t have to worry about Trump’s management of classified information. There’s no chance that the next president will use a private server. All top secret communications will take place through the safe pipelines of Twitter #trump<3putin. Forget decades of secrecy and mistrust, we’ve got ourselves a new bromance! Step aside Trudeau and Obama, Putin and Trump are taking over. Kindly note, all classified reports are to be sent directly to Moscow. Sorry Edward Snowden and Julian Assange, your services are no longer needed. No need for Wikileaks!

Speaking of classified information, there is no need to worry about Secretary Clinton. She’ll be able to return to her modest, private life of giving high-priced speeches to Wall Street and bankers. After all, when the election results go low, her prices go high.

Hopefully, the world will not end before the next issue. I’m sure it’s going to be “YUUUUUUUUUUGE!”

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